Sat 29 Sep 2007
Heaven of Dreams
My God! What should I do? I am really confused! Confused of your deeds! I trusted in you! I have trusted in you since I knew myself! What's wrong with you? Are you hearing me? What sin I did that now I deserve this condition? You forget me? Or I forget you?
We were in the court, court of family affairs to get divorce. In Iranian civil law, the law should permit couples to get divorce, so you can separate of your spouse. It is really amazing, somehow ridiculous! A clergyman was the judge and we had to sit before him. He asked two or three questions, then wanted us to reconcile. But we refused; she asked me before to behave in a way that there would be no chance the judge would perceive I do not want and like to divorce! Not here, but even when they sent us to counselor, to help us to solve our problems, to reconcile us, I had to tell lies, those words that never have received into my mind! Just due to my promise! I have promised her every time she wants or likes I will allow her to get divorced, and it is her right! Opposite to the tradition in Iran that the getting divorce is just men's right!
The lawyer and the clerk in that office before trail happily and enthusiastically insisted" why are you getting divorced? You two are educated, both deserve to each other, you two can have a really great future, please change your minds, continue your lives." But she said there is no way to return! I had to just watch and approve her sayings! How unlucky and unhappy I am!
The judge then asked us if we brought there our families or not. We answered no, so he said I would introduce you a referee to try to change your minds, he, ridiculously, smsed a man out side of the court, a type writer who writes claims for people in front of the juridical court of Zanjan. He simply asked us " ok, let's reconcile! Please continue your life!" she said" we are not in rage! We are each others` friends" he said " ok!" and did every necessary job to complete the regulation. I paid him some money and when we wanted to go, he came to me and said "if you need some witnesses for registration office, I can introduce!" we said good idea because we did not want our families to know any thing about our affairs and interfere in it, making every thing spoiled! Like the time of our marriage registration and ceremony 9 months ago!
It was to go to the registration office at 3:30. I called that man and he accepted to get some money and bring some people to witness our divorce! How wonderful job they have! It is much better than my part-time job, translating and teaching! I really was disappointed, wanted every thing, every, every thing would be just a nightmare, and when I wake up every thing would end! But no! How optimistic I was! How dreamful I was! In every moment I needed her! My soul asked her! My very little cells called for her! Just a hug, a kiss, a sweet smile! But…
At 3:30 we were at the office. The other man came, too. Me and her, were sitting beside each other, joking, laughing, they were all confused! "How is it possible?" They asked themselves and even us! "You are here for getting divorce, but you are acting in a way that it seems you are getting married! Common! You are not really want to divorce! Yes, it is just a play, a joke, for some reasons behind our perceives! Behind our understandings of your condition! Please take it easy and cancel this party! Return to your life and be happy with each other!" But we did not accept and said "no, may be next time" and laughed!
My face was happy, my eyes, on the other hand, were so sad and gloomy that in my heart I was crying, crying, crying! How stupid! You, with your own hands and with your conscience, do a thing; break off your love, your heart, your life, that you have never wanted! I deeply deeply wanted to get back! I do not know you may understand or not, but the most painful and suffering moments of my life! Alone! My God! What do you want of me? What do you do? You got my love! You got my Zeinab! Do you understand?
When we were signing the documents, that man in the court whispered into my ears "seriously, is she going to return to you? Will you reconcile? Ha…?" I said" just God willing, may be!" they confessed that they did never witness such a friendly divorcing! Yes, they really did not!
She was very happy, happier than ever! As happy as first days of her last return to me, last year, almost during these days! God, God, God…! I can not find a word to express my anger, my feelings, my regret, my envy!
Then, we went to cemetery! Where daddy, my daddy her father, laid in it since 6 months ago! I could just see my kind father-in-law three times, not more! How regretful it is! She said "you see, if they would give the control of our lives to ourselves, how easygoing would be the affairs and how easily the problems would be solved!"
When in our marriage ceremony you father, my father, spoiled the party in the office, left the room just because the clergyman there emphasized on the conditions she wanted to be written in the marriage document, the first back step in our life began, and things has begun going wrong since then! By passing of every day, our relation not only got better, but also went wrong more and more, until in the first month after our marriage she asked me to give her a piece of paper that our marriage finished! Ended, and I must begin divorcing status! Since then I have tried hard and hard to make the situation better or at least not to allow it to get worst, but more I tried the less I gained! She has not cooperate with me, not only she, but all people around me, my family, my own father, my job, my salary, my…!
I do never forget the time of our ceremony of marriage! We celebrated in a hall, invited all families of both side, but none of my family came unless my mom and sister! Just because my father was angry at me and threatened them all not to come and participate in my marriage ceremony! How kind family I have! Yeah! All of these conditions, besides her especial behavior and thoughts, besides some of my behaviors, failure of my plans for life and future, my exaggerations and my lies, finally we reached to this tragic end for me and a nice one for her!
God! God! God! I need some one to talk! I need some help! I need … I need to die! What's wrong with me? Ha…? Answer! If you hear me! Answer! Please…please…
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when pulled out your body, walls fell down
since took a way your shoulders, debris fell down
while chasing her continuous, stop less
debris fell down, walls fell down
till swallowed whole my ooze and mud, since now
affluence got adversity, shower fell down
I didn't dream at all, the nightmare was real
when at night that dead fell down gallows-tree
within your specter stormed my love till you left
since it was driven to exterminates, haplessly, fell down
with your passion wandered, the osprey in my horizons
saw your pit, he, too, fell down, disgusted
with your fear and hope, thirty moon, no! thirty sun
thirty times raised, thirty times sat
To day is my renewal! I told her "your Yaser died! You killed him!" but she answered "congratulations, if you did not die, you would never be reborn". And now this is my reborn, recovery of a thousand dreadful, deathful injuries of love on my heart! I wander if I could bear it, or not, but the fact is that I lost my love, my family, all my life! Hard to imagine! Hard to think about! My beloved one deserted me, left me, without giving any other chance to compensate my mistakes! Love was unkind, cruel and suffering with me!
And today is my mile-stone day, to begin a journey towards unforeseen, vague future. Somehow a run a way of all you have, leave whatever in past, try to forget your yesterday, and wonder around to see how much you can find of what belongs to you of this world!
The amazing thing is in the time you are thinking about the possibility of finding your true love, or even falling in love again, the sparks of a new love begins flaming your heart and soul, while your broken heart needs more than ever the kindness, the love to cure its thousands of injuries of love, you feel deeply begin to fall in love again, and you have to put them out because you never dare to express it! Or you are afraid of an other single-side love, which victimized 6 years of your life, 6 years of patience, 6 years of waiting!
Last night, again like this week and other recent nights, I could not sleep even a moment! I was so worried, nervous that all my thigh, forearm and calf muscles were separating of my bones, a very painful, unbearable condition! I just waited when the dawn would break up and this interminable night would end! Within these 10 months of mutual life, it was the first time that I felt like this! I remember, before, 2 years ago, for more than a year and a half I had had this condition. Those days, again, she was the only responsible for all I had suffered, because of her unnatural, unfriendly behaviors, and now again, she is the cause of my great pain, whereas I supposed with reaching to her, I would never have another suffer or pain! How stupid and Foolish idea!
But the sympathy of my friends, especially one, calms it, and makes me in peace; of course, the helps of a really friendly doctor, Dr. Kamel Jumshidof, a neurologist, psychologist and specialist of inert diseases in Zanjan was important, too. He is in his forties, and is one of the perfect, kindhearted men I have ever seen. He holds classes for people to perceive and control their inert energies and enhance their abilities to reach to high levels of mentally and physically health and high levels of humanity and loving others. Here again, I suggest to all my friends who read my writings contact with him and use his abilities and knowledge! I wish I can do myself! I am giving his email and you can contact him from everywhere you can! (jumshidof@mail.ru) I seriously suggest a visit of such a great man!
But even his medicine could not decrease from my pain and sadness, all night I cried and cried! I remember so many nights that I cried all nights and preyed God to help my love, to make her happiest ever, and not allow she done mistakes and would make her future, her life spoiled. Just God knows how much I loved her, was worried and concerned her. Not because of myself, her reaching of myself, but just because of herself! I wish she could understand, but… this is the costume of this world.
I could not bear and at the end I smsed Lisa, at midnight, she companied me so patiently, until 2 am. we talked and talked and at the end she made me calm, I could sleep until 4, the dawn breakage. Thank you my dear Lisa!
Surprising! I have no idea, all my old friends contacted with me last night and today! Lisa, Narcissi, Saljughy, Hossein, Ahad, Hamed, Yeganeh, Farzad, Jumshidof, Hasan! Thank goodness! God got my love but he gave me friends who are worried about me, concern me! I may find my true love among them! But I really confused, for all of them my departure and leaving here, inspired! All sent smses to greet with me almost at the same time! I just opened my heart and my pains to Lisa, she listened patiently hours and hours, and tried to help and calm me! I really appreciate your kindness for me. You are great, as I said you on my last words on net, and you allowed, your kindness clearly replete me and my soul! I will miss all of you my friends!
To day is my first day out of home, home of 25 years, without my family I could never go anywhere, but now I have to be away at least for some time, maybe some years to find my self! I remember a great man, Mr. Golbabaie, a friend of Zeinab and me, told me once he had come Zanjan "if you want to find yourself, behave well, understand the world and what is beyond it, find out the personality of people you concern with them, and the most important find and discover your character and who you, yourself are, depart from Zeinab, your family, your work, whatever belonging you have here, sulk all them, break off all your relations with our love, and go! Go and go until can find yourself!".
He is really great man, and had a figure of a saint! He was a retired colonel of Iranian Army, and worked in the army from the late years of royal period up to the end of the war between Iran and Iraq in 1988. Now he works as a great business man especially deals with Azerbaijani and Russian businesspersons. He is Zienab`s workmate and have done a lot of favors, not tasks for Zanjan`s Export Promotion company; like a holly angel have solved their many problems. He is a brave and intrepid man, as he himself told once, he was a commander in the war and saw and witnessed a lot of savages and casualties during war. He killed by his own hands 45-46 Iraqi soldiers with just a knife! No one can stand against him nor can anyone oppose him except Zeinab! He is too serious, too powerful, too dipodic and self-willed. Nevertheless, he is so kind, opposite of his sever ness, irate and serious face! He is very open minded, very polite and very intelligent man! He is at the same time of sever ness, too kind, understandable, punctual and well-timed person! Zeinab always said" he is Lenin", the Russian communist leader! He is great!
One night he came for us, and we went Gavezangi, a mountainous park in the north of Zanjan city, on Alborz Chain Mountains. There is a pond, a small artificial pond which in it there are a lot of fish you can catch with a fishing bar. We, three, were walking beside the pond. Some boys were fishing. It was midnight. He is a northern man, from Astara, a great fisher man, brought up in the north of Iran, beside the Caspian Lake; one of the most beautiful, wonderful landscapes exists on the earth.
He watched for some time to those fisher men, the amateurs, then he tried to teach them how to fish, but we Zanjanian people are so proud and selfish that rarely do accept others helps and ideas! Then we went to the end of the pond, where, on the bare land, on the hard stones, we laid. Three besides each other, gazing at the dark, starry sky above, thousands of stars flickering. Here the sky is very near the land! The city, on the narrow ending of the valley, is shinning in gold, green and white jewelry. Wonderful! Fascinating! The lamps besides the road on the dame, flaming like torches, golden torches, along a line, through the dark sky shinning, the water under their bases, reflexes the light, like flaming candles on a birthday cake! He loved that scene.
Into the sky, there are always three blue stars making a triangle! In Zanjan, if you look precisely upwards on your top into the sky you can see them. (I am sure everyone has seen them already!) Two lighter than the third! The lightest and bluest is mine! I said. He deeply was thinking! He was thinking about his past, war, death, savage of the reality. He asked suddenly" look at those three triangular stars! What do they mean to you?"."They are blue, beautiful, they are only stars that when I take off my glasses I can see in the vast sky!" I answered. "No! They mean death!" he said passionately, regretfully, angrily. We two asked how? "In the war, when we wanted to report the guns, artillerymen, where to bombard at nights, we call them between two left stars, or right ones, or exactly at the center. And then just death was waiting for that part of land, even animals were killed!". Suddenly he asked me" who is a man?". " one who is hard-working, who tries hard and make life better" I said proudly. "No, the man is who gathers parts of dead bodies, parts of his friends` bodies, kidneys, lungs, livers, to make a body complete! A man is that!" he said regretfully and laid on the hard and cold stones, for a long time not speaking!
Zeinab told me once "Just four things he is fanatical and bigoted! Be careful when you speak about these four before him: Imam Khomeini, our great leader, the war, Basijian, people who mobilized to fight against enemy, and Enghelab, the great revolution of Iran."
