HEAVEN OF DREAMS

Tomorrow, I am going Tehran, to continue my previous affairs there, to find a job, and a place to live. I came here just to finish the remaining issues about my personal life, now that every body has known the matter, no long needed to stay here! I can not stand they blame Zeinab, or want to discover her reason and pressure her why she did so. No! I never allow, but in the case I can not do any thing, I prefer not to be here! To witness the sorrow or unhappiness of Zeinab! It's better to both of us that I leave here to look for my destiny, my fate! May be some years later, in new condition we can see each other, as two old friends that it doomed not being beside each other! How painful it is! But I must tolerate it. I must! There is no other choice!

 

Two days ago, in the evening, when my heart was full of miss of her and sadness, I came out to walk, suddenly I saw Ali that sat on a park bench with his friend. He saw me, too, but he stood up and greeted me in a very kind, friendly way, some how better than always! He was smiling and so friendly that I thought no thing happened between his sister and me! I love him! He is really great man, a great artist, a sculptor. I love him and to be his friend. But what can I do when no thing is under my controls! What can I do when his wife, herself, asked and wanted so! Except gloom and sorrow, no thing remained for me! By the way, I think he and others are sure we will refer to each other, I mean me and her! No one can believe our separation! I, myself, do not believe it yet, how others will do so!!!

 

Every body in my family, now, is very kind to me! Especially my daddy! I think they are afraid of my moving and leaving home! But I have already made my decision and as I told you I can not stand their words about her, us and I do not like to explain every body the reason and the same story of thousand times repeated! I want to go Bandar Lenge port, in south of Iran on the shore of Persian Gulf. To what? To teach there English! I saw an advertisement that asked some teachers to teach there. They supply accommodation, and food and they pay you not bad! Twice of which I can earn here or as mush as I can earn in Tehran! But in Tehran, almost all of what you gained will be spend for your personal expenses, too expansive there are! Maybe another experience for me! Who knows, there, maybe, my lost fate will wake up of his deep sleep and I can find my lost love, or at least myself and then return here, to my friend, and express my love to her, to find my true love, for ever! How knows really who knows????

نوشته شده توسط Yaser Mousavi در 12:8 PM |  لینک ثابت   • 

245

How bad Eve it is, this, worse than a thousand condolence… how bad Eve!

That I said without you would happen, that…see?

Happy Eve they say, and I laugh bitterly,

That with gloom, a tray became my spring, Eve grass.

My root-burning spring, what's  for? Since…

Maybe a pine, a willow would grow in my garden,

Maybe the day would be new… what will give this new Eve…

To me? Or any time worn like me, an old hopeless?

I forgot all hopeful lessons of my memory, yes!

Unless your eyes teach me any hope!

I tell to my days at nights, and worse, that except with you,

There is no agreement in my world, with no sun,

Also the confidence, is next to you, and faith is beside you

That without you, any certainty turns in me to a doubt!

 

Come to intercourse with each other, and run away to heavens,

We dispatched to earth, our destiny to banish,

That except the moment of intercourse with another body,

The pen will not write body's destiny.

So happy to such an intercourse in human system,

This is, this only, if is beautiful, any promise!

 

نوشته شده توسط Yaser Mousavi در 10:57 AM |  لینک ثابت   • 

It is 1 o'clock in the morning. Has it ever happened to you that you can not sleep at night? May be because o some reasons like tiresome or wariness? To night like my other nights I can not sleep! So instead of rolling around in the bed I decided to write! Am I strange? Really? What do you think about me? I really, really like to know! I have no feeling! Every thing is neutral! Nothing is important! No, no! A strange feeling in my heart is that refers me to the past!  I do not know why I think I need to talk to somebody! A girl, whose face for more than two or three days and nights has been before my eyes! I missed her without any reason! So do not you think I am a little bit abnormal? The girl who was my student almost a year and a half ago! By the way, I feel too ashamed to call her tomorrow, or any other next time! Again an other why question! "Why can not we miss somebody unfamiliar and strange?" or "do we have to always miss a person among our relatives or among our friends or people who we know?". Is t not possible to miss a person completely unfamiliar or a person who was some day in past for a very short time in company of you?" you know to the number of people on the world there are different kinds of personalities and characteristics! Some times I really wonder how God can distinguish between us? Or how could and can He create such a wonder? What do you think? I am sleepless now, and of course a little bit I say abnormal things! So to complete this party, I would like to speak about some other people, famous or infamous ones!

 

Have you ever read "Done Kishout" or " Done Kiskout"? if no, go and read the novel, it is really great! If yes, so you know the writer? Sir Wanteze from Spain. He was born in 16^th century in Spain, because his father was a wandering doctor, he could not learn reading and writing! in his 23 he want Italy and joined army, and some years later he wounded and injured in a sea battle and returned to Spain. But it was the time that Muslims and Christians were fighting in Cross Wars. He was arrested by Arab soldiers but could run away from the prison, again he chased and spent several years among Arabs. Finally he could come Spain to his home town and decided to write. He wrote and told poems, unfortunately none of them were satisfied by people. He left writing for several years, but again he began writing and created his masterpiece, "Done Kishout". It took 15 years to write this book! Isn't it surprising! Writing a book in two volumes for more than 15 years! For me, on the other hand is not! May be I am myself a writer! But in that time people perceived his talents nad find out his personality! Some years later he died in a village. This book is his biography and past! His life story. I remember, I watched its move, it was great too. And at the end, my eyes were tearful of my emotions when "Done Kishou" died on his chair in his garden, silently and quietly, reminding of not permanent life for us! If you have not watched the move, watch it. It is wonderful, too.

 

In his book, three characters are there: Done Kishout, Sanchez and Resident. "Kishout" or "Kiskout" in Spanish means "an imaginative person" and "Done Kishout" was an old man who imagined himself a knight, a liberal knight, who wanted to save people from cruelty and savage of world, kings and who were cruel to people. His servant, Sanchez, was a fool, fat man and whatever he ordered he tried to do and made a lot of fun! And about "Resident": Resident was his thin and weak hours, that on its back he always went to fight cruel people, always defeated and beat! I can not here explain the story or whatever happened there, you, yourself must read it! It was some kind of personality he had, I mean both of them, in myth world, "Done Kishout" and in real world "Sir Wantez".

 

An other man I would like to speak about, is "Jhon Klaine". Have you ever heard of "Beatles"? a band of rock music in the 1970s in Britain, who saved Britain's economy! Yes, he and three of his friends made a band, named " Beatles ". They were so populated and fanned that soon every body loved them and their works. He was singer and poet. And he told poems about routine affairs, politics, wars, love, and death. But they created a new style in music and made a lot of money. In the 1975, he separated from the band and went New York with his wife, lived there anonymous. Until in 1980, one of his fans knew him and by his apartment shout him and killed! Very simple, dying by your fan, lover, is very romantic, isn't it? Yes, this was another famous man and his strange character, may be you can not perceive any strangeness in his character, at all!

 

"Rafael Fernandez" was a great painter, from Italy. He made a lot of great and fantastic works that most of them are mankind masterpieces! He surprisingly liked to portrait Jesus face. One day, he wanted to portrait Jesus face, and looking for a face resemble to his. Finally after many time, he could find a young man, whose face he thought was like Jesus`. He portrayed his face on a wall paining. Then he decided to portrait Jahuda`s face. He again began looking for a man who was resemble to his. Finally after 10 years, he could find a man out side of a bar, addicted, miserable and in a very bad condition. He thought himself that he could portrait Jahuda`s face. He asked that men to come with him, and in the time of painting, he supplied his food, shelter and drink. He accepted and they began their work. After some long time, when the portrait was to end, he saw the man was crying! He asked "why?". The man answered" it is so strange world, some day you portrayed my face as Jesus and now you portrayed it as Jahuda`s!"

 

What do you think about it? Am I right that every thing, every, every thing is temporal and not permanent? Or a little bit more generalization: no thing is certain! No thing! And every thing is relative, every thing! What is in you mind? Tell me! Am I right or not? Even the most concrete and certain things in man's mind, are not certain, even there is no certainty at all! Always there a doubt and uncertainty! It is the rule! Kindness, love, hate, life, death, happiness, unhappiness, goodness, badness, God, devil, every thing! Tell me your ideas, if are different!

   

نوشته شده توسط Yaser Mousavi در 2:28 AM |  لینک ثابت   • 

How strange!!! How surprising! My mom asked me" please, if you have any problem, or you need any help, any cure, any medicine tell us, we will help you! Even if it is necessary your daddy will send you to Canada!" I was surprised! "Common on! What are you talking about?" I asked very amazingly! She said" daddy spoke with her and her brother! She said she wanted to live with you, but it was you that did not like any more! She loved you but you no! why? Tell us why?" I said" who told you this? She, herself did? I wanted to live with her! It was she that did not like me any more! She tells lies, really big lies, am I stupid? To want? to spoil my life, my future, my families reputation? Or hers?"

 

Now I am very angry! Angry at her, she has begun a game, a very bad, foul game that its ending is beyond her controls! My daddy wanted to see and understand the reason, but she just because wants to convince her family tells lies! God witnesses I have known a lot of things about her past, her relations, her friends… but never did I allow myself to speak about them nor could I do so! But she is really unfaithful, really! She told them she wants to live with me!!!!!!!!! I wonder you girls, how strange and unfamiliar you are!

 

This play ends in a way that spoils her life completely, her family life, her job, her every thing! No thing will happen to me! No thing! I told them" if necessary, I will go and see every doctor you say, or want! I am in my complete and total health and have no sickness or any excuse!". And another thing, if my daddy wants to know any thing, he will definitely do that! And will not change his mind unless he reaches to his goal! He never gives up this issue! Now I can understand why she insisted on not telling any thing to any one, especially to our families! She wanted to sacrifice me and behave in a way that to show everybody I am the guilty! My God! Who is she? I have no idea! Just I know God witnesses us and He, Himself, will judge between us. I do never believe she did such a this to me! To what she was thinking or how she is thinking is really confusing and strange! I do not know, maybe somebody tells her what to do or how to manage these affairs! I do not really know! But she is starting a really challenging and troublesome issue, definitely she is the loser of this game!

نوشته شده توسط Yaser Mousavi در 1:39 PM |  لینک ثابت   • 

250

Between you and me, nothing will be obstacle

If there is a distance, it will not be so long!

With love, breathing too, is a new event

In our tale, nothing will be repeated.

 

Love came and kneed, then picked you up and put you on her hair

Yes, if you are blossom, blossom will not be despised!

If you support a garden, will now and then,

Its humblest willow will not be gallows!

Except your hair, one valerian will not be dissipated

Except your eyes, one narcissus will not be sick.

 

Until ceiling and pillar are my hand and your umbrella,

On us, a phantom, too, will not be debrised.

Going away of vision is beginning going away of heart

Every time if happened, this time will not!

Maybe a heart will be broken by a heart,

But, never a heart will hate another heart!!! 

 

A thing that should have happened p months ago, yesterday evening happened, and a great quarrel blamed! Then a deep release occurred!

 

I was out for doing some documents of our separation and then I took them for her, at noon, when I came home, I saw Ali Reza was there! I felt something was strange, and yes, he came to end every thing! To end my sufferings and pain, my mom was worried about me and called him and asked him to help! He really helped, if he were here not I could not do any thing and tell them the reality! Mom was very upset and unhappy, cried! I felt really sorrow and regret! Then he called my daddy to come home sooner. And started with a story about himself and his wife, and my daddy confirmed their decision to separate. Then he said "now your son and daughter-in-law did so!" he surprised and then got so angry that told "I will fire both of them in the street! I kill them under my car's wheels, …". Ali Reza, but made him calm and relaxed, then they went her home to inform them about this event. They, there, her brothers, Rasool and Ali, her mother and her all family were except herself! As usual she was at work and even they called her to come home, she did not. Rasool and my daddy were crying and regretful, especially Rasool was so surprised that could not understand the fact, and asked" how is it possible? We came your house two nights ago, she wanted to give Yaser a document to translate! It`s impossible! You are in a great mistake!" but no! Every thing was real and no thing was a nightmare! They were to ask her reasons and came our house to discuss, but did not come! She has no real and valid excuse to her unfaithfulness, breaking her promises! She played foul! Because she wanted to pursue her family, she told them " Yaser is sick and he must use medicine for 5 years continuously!" me?!!! I have never gone doctors just for catching cold! Even that was not more than 10 times in whole my life! I heard this I could not believe! But her mom told so! My God! Is she Zeinab? How strange she is… how…!

 

 

I was so depressed and I needed to talk to a friend, I sent a massage to Lisa, she was there as usual, but she, too, began to blame me! She said" you are too kind and this is not good! You show your love and affections to people that not deserve it!" she was right, totally right I must change my moralities and behaviors but… I needed some one just listen to me! I got depressed more and all night sleepless I was thinking about past, now and future!    

نوشته شده توسط Yaser Mousavi در 12:30 PM |  لینک ثابت   • 

 

"she was not deserving you any more!", "you should act in a way that everybody be sure that was she who had trouble with your marriage, not you", or" why didn't you get any thing of her? You should ask her some money to lend you and then do not return it" and … these are some exact sentences of my uncle, aunt and their daughter. Of course Alireza told so! But how can I do this? How can I be so selfish and so cruel to do that? I am dead sure that if I ask her to give me money, as much as she has, she would do that without any hesitation or any question! I know her and her morality! She never tells lies or deceives people, especially me! Never! Never! Never! Even she, during this time of my being in Tehran, called me several times and asked me if I need any thing or any money she could give! So before this manner, how can I deceive her? Impossible, I can not do that and even if I could, I would never do that! God sees and witnesses every thing! And He, Himself, better knows my LOVE and my mind towards her! He knows every thing and this makes me calm!

 

Yes, they began to blame me and to backbit her, and I could not stand it and leave them, came Zanjan last night, but did not go home; I stayed in a hostel, Hafez hostel, in Charah square, city centre, and one of my worst nights I passed! I was so depressed and so miserable that I need to talk to somebody, but no one was there! I needed my friends much more than ever, Lisa, Narcissi, Farzad and … but no one contacted me! I thought myself that maybe Lisa was offended by my words, those words that I told her" I love you".

 

I am so sensitive and fearful of loving somebody, or showing my love to somebody! After these experiences of pain and suffer of LOVING somebody, I am really worried when I want to show my affections and feelings! So an other reason is that I never bear some body's inconvenience towards myself. So, I decided to send a massage to her to apologize about my words! But she answered that she was not bothered anymore, other wise, she was really happy and pleased to hear that!

 

I remember first time I showed my affections and feelings to a girl, my classmate, Ms. Mousavi, when I was in second term of university, despite of a lot of works, helps, kindness and friendship I had done for her, when I wanted to express my own feelings towards her, to ask her feelings about myself to be sure about my love, when I gave a letter in which I wrote very sincerely about myself, my family, my condition and my feelings, she did not even pay any attention, but also she did not accept it before my all classmates and all students of our bus, she insulted me, contempt me in a very bad manner and way that I decided not to fall in love again, I began to hate all girls, but Zeinab`s kindness towards me and her helping me to overcome my bad feelings towards people and especially girls, made me calm and caused me to forgive her and again in my heart feel kindness and LOVE, some time later, her affections and kindness made me feel that she was my true love and I stated loving her and showing her my love, until I discovered that I fell in love with her! From that time, my glooms and my inconvenience started and I insisted on my single-way love, until now that there is no thing just regret and feeling of fear and horror of loving people and expressing my love and affections again!!!

 

I wanted always a life with my beloved wife, a small family, to go every where together, to do every thing together, to live together, but …but nothing! Really nothing and any ambition of mine was vain! This morning when I wake up in that gloomy, empty room, and when I looked at that statue of liberty and the name of God in the center of square and people going up and down, I felt how forlornness I am! No one is my friend or no one not loving but even liking me any more! How strange the city was, it seemed that I left here not for a week, but for years and years!

 

Surprisingly, my hometown seems so miserable and gloomy without love, without any delighters and cheeriness! Life without love is meaningless. Believe me!

 

Now, after these all, you should give me a right that I have no heart any more! I have no love and kindness in my heart, or any affection in my mind! Why? How can you explain this? Lisa says" you should not be afraid of expressing your love towards people, to love others sincerely" but my dear friend, Lisa, after all how? Tell me how?       

نوشته شده توسط Yaser Mousavi در 10:41 PM |  لینک ثابت   • 

167

 ...and a word, and the world was going to change

...and LOVE that first word God offered his grant to human

that the load of that grant was too heavy for angles

 and living and death came and no one was told

which one of these two was the first event

if LOVE was not there, we could not see except our nose,

always the LOVE was the sight of our eyes for seeing world for LOVE,

from gloom and happiness, no one blaims that whatever LOVE did was pleasing and typical

if LOVE was not there, the tale of life how could be justified, explained and doomed?

 ...we came to fall in LOVE and then pass...

the mystery of human`s living and death was this!

 

226

 goodby my flower going a way with wind,

going away of my sight, but not of my mind,

 which field or plain? or which garden or midow?

where is your destination my flower? where is wind`s destination?

 do not fear of fall, since everywhere you pass,

thousands of gardens will be born for appreciating you!

the fall of my life, brought you a hand,

that put patterns of flowers and blooms in your spring

I will give all my peace and quiet, if you are not being... with me

to the memory of your reddest moment!

 and you kiss it to my memory, too,

if you see... a tired broken-wing bird.

 gloom of "what if?" put away of your heart, since these two...

 we have given to the fate of "whatever happen, that`s good"

I will follow you, If the hirecon not taking me, with itself to nowhere land!

 

 

223

 of excitement, your eyes are crying

in me, thousands of hidden eyes are crying!

 damn to my myths if your eyes by hearing of them, like this, are crying!

my Lady! how can I calm you? since your believed eyes are crying!

filled up their packs from tears of rivers, like fall clouds cry, your eyes are crying!

 when you cry, my friend, in my heart... as if world`s clouds are crying,

 as if with you! again my sisters, in the mourning of thier brother are crying,

 in the mourning of a thousand violets, together, a thousand young pines are crying!

as if my loveliest memories, with you, are mourning and crying!

I feel that crying is not just yours... with you, the earth and sky are crying!!!

 

نوشته شده توسط Yaser Mousavi در 2:24 PM |  لینک ثابت   •