Sat 20 Oct 2007
Love is a pleasing warmness in your heart, but gradually it turns to a flaming fire and begins burning your soul! When you see somebody, immediately and suddenly your heart starts beating so fast that you think it is going out of your chest! Your head gets warm and then hot by the fire flaming of your heart! Your hands start trembling and you lose your stability and self-steam and if you do not control yourself, your voice even gets trembling and weak! A great power of need and passion makes you go forward and hug tightly your lover who is like cool pure water for cooling your flaming heart and soul! And then kiss him or her so passionately! When you are lucky and can embarrass your beloved one, it gets cool and for next time with much more power invades your soul and heart! And you much more passionately need your love to release and calm your disturbed soul again and again.
To fall in love is very easy and as fast as a flash of a light it may occur, but its continuing and lasting is too difficult that almost all the people, lovers and beloved ones, after some time forget their feelings and passionate for each other and the routines of the life can attack their life's love and passion and every thing turns to be monotonous and repeated! But the true lovers will try to keep their love and passion towards each other as fresh as the first days of their meetings! They understand that it should be mutual and both of them must try hard to save their lives and happiness of both. Why I wrote these? I do not know!
Aha… remembered! A why question: why some people, especially girls, when perceive somebody likes them or maybe loves them and misses them completely change? And act in a way that it is not they that to be loved, and to be missed by somebody, and why they act in a way that it is not matter and it is not relevant to them? I must tell when somebody falls in love with you, you are responsible for his or her feelings and never should you hurt their feelings and break their hearts! Never! What is the most sinful act before God? the breaking of somebody's heart! And you must be sure when you do this with any excuse, you will face the consequence of your action, definitely, and even that is in very near future!
This world has been built on a very simple rule: every action has its reaction! Whatever you do now, in the very near future it will reflect to you and you will see the consequences! Every thing good you do, the goodness waits for you, and if … that would be referred to you! There is no exception for this rule! It is the base of our world! So never do break the respect of people, never do break their hearts with your proud ness and selfishness and never do act in way to hurt his or her personality and feelings!
This matter several times happened to me! You do not imagine even how painful it is! How a bad feeling you have when somebody does this to you! I have never broken somebody's heart and never do I hurt somebody's feelings and emotions! God loves people just because she or he has feelings and emotions, which nowadays it completely forgotten! You may ask a question: "ok, when we do not like him or her, what should we do?" simply, you need just say respectfully, "sorry, I think we are not good and suitable for each other and can not be happy!" and then break up forever and forget him or her! But you must keep in mind that you do respect their feelings, because you are responsible and deserved to their love! It is you that have a problem with them, not their, and it is your fault that reject his or her love! Be careful with this matter!
From my jail's hole if a scene I see,
A cycle from night, on me I see,
In tomorrow's mirror, when look at myself…
In the nets of spiders, a butterfly I see!
After thousand times they gone, turned and returned,
Lines of misery, as cycles I see!
My savings, when I look at, just
A gloomy mess of memories I see!
Fate when roars, is a wolf in whose claw
Myself and you, as gazelle's fawn I see!
When I look around, in a fall-seen garden,
From window, bare and vain, myself I see!
This wandering suffer, on my shoulder, o! as if
A man and a cross, in Nasereh I see!
In falseness of dreams, interpretation of my world,
Green, flowers in blossoms, plains and valleys I see!
My wake ness, but, due this, here and there…
Ruins and ashes in existence, I see!
What is in your mind? I, myself, still, yes…
That old injury, in my larynx I see!
Tomorrow I am going Bandar Lengeh, with the hope of making good changes on myself and on my life, to build a new life on just my own shoulders, this time do never relay on others, just mine, and nothing else! It takes 16 hours by train to go there, next time I am taking a plain, but not now1 I want to see the road and south of
Sat 20 Oct 2007
Fishing! My favorite sport and activity! I do not know if you have gone fishing or not! But almost every year, except this year, at the end of summer, we go fishing to Ghezel Ozan river, 80 kms on Bijar road, there is a village named Tabrizak, there the river is good for fishing, Ghezel Al, very delicious fish. Of course it is not favorite for girls and women! I mean fishing! But I can offer you a fried fish that you have never eaten sth like that! My daddy taught me this method and now I am telling you! After catching fishes, and pulling out whatever in their stomachs, put off a fire and when the fire and coal get hot, put some level stones on it, then put your fishes on those stones, and another level stones on them. Now push some fire and hot coal on them and wait for some minutes… fishes are cooked and fried in a way that even there is no need to extract their bones, like a biscuit crackle under your teeth, good apetite! I wish we can go fishing someday, I, myself can prepare you that!
I spoke about fish because I went
In north of
Traveling and going trips really gives you a power, and you can gain your lost power and energy! Really! You see, I feel now so active and so lively! Like my time that I had helped everybody, my friends, my students, my family and everybody with no expectations and how wonderful that I felt much better, I was so active that even a moment I could not stand without any job! When I did not have any thing to do, or to study, I was writing my dairy, translating some books or even writing some original books in Persian or English. What beautiful days they were, we were each others friends, me and Zeinab, I mean not a mutual friendship it was, on the other hand, it was me that always was friendly with her, and always did whatever you think to help her, to help her to study, to work sometimes, and to solve her personal problems, I was listener of her and she always opened her heart to me, and I just patiently listened without any idea! She was so difficult to understand and nobody clearly could understand her, but I thought I could, and of course I could and we were very good friends and colleagues, but she changed! She has changed 180 degrees and now you see I am alone and no one understands me!!!! Maybe … but …
35
O! The pine relived from gardens of books!
O! The lady in patterned rooms of dreams!
Fertilized of you the vagina of souls!
Cleansed of you the nature of waters!
O! In my life's book your passion,
Justifies poetic chapters of rushes!
O! My consent and my solitude,
Nights of your beloved arms answers!
Who are you? That in the trip to look for you,
Thousands of springs appeared in deserts,
Drunk of you whenever the sea is drunk,
O! the river of all wines!
My heart says good tidings of your return,
And of vain days of these worries,
And that day is not far a way,
Those lights turn to suns,
In the alleys of your coming!
Fri 19 Oct 2007
sleepless night 2
Another sleepless night begins, it is 2:00 A.M, usually after that tragic happening, which I have lost my release and relaxation, at nights I go to bed as usual, about 10-11, but I can not sleep until 12 or 1 A.M, and disturb my friends especially Lisa and Narcissi to chat with each other via sms, but at sleepless nights like now, I can not sleep any more, till 4 or 5 A.M I am awake! Some times thinking, sometimes…!
Do not worry! Just imagine how I could find and access a computer at this time in an strange town, in Ramsar! I have stolen the computer! Hiiiiiiiiiissssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My hosts and landlords are fast asleep in other rooms, just here, in the computer room, no one is there, and I could come and use their daughter's P.C. of course I will tell them tomorrow the issue of not wanting to wake them midnight just to ask them to allow me to use their computer!
Ramsar is a very small but very very beautiful town, with kind people, unfortunately dirty, the town and the people! They do not pay any attention to their houses, streets, alleys or their public places! Even you can not find a proper toilet service in the most high-class tourist center!
Yes, I told you, it is a very small town with just one language institute, Simin, in Abrosh Mahalleh, as natives call. 2 or 3 other institutes for other courses I could see. But I found a new established institute on its door there was a paper said that here for all levels of learning English, a teacher teaches! A woman! I felt too curiosity! So I decided to understand who she was and how it was possible!" I told the secretary that I want to have a private class. She called the lady and then gave the receiver to me! I began to speak English on the phone from the first! She was shocked, because she had not expected a student began to speak English from the dead first! Her voice was trembling for some minutes, especially I said" I am an English translator and I need to take classes for my IELTS exam" but soon she controlled herself, and then asked my age! "I said 25, older than you? Or younger?" she answered "older, but is it making any difference for you?" I said "No!" then it was to see each other, she insisted on it to make our programs and start the course. And in the afternoon we made a date! I really liked to now who she was that this like confident could stand before me!
It was raining, not raining, but pouring! As if you were all the time under a shower! Here you do not need any bathroom or shower! Naturally it exists every where, even when you sleep! Yes, I was a little bit late, on purpose, to check her reaction! And when I arrived there, I did not notice, no frankly noticed, but again on purpose, did not pay attention to a girl that beside the secretary stood out side of the door! I passed them quickly and entered the room, she came after me! Then we greeted and I started speaking English, she, too. Her voice still trembling, until the end of our meeting! Wonderful it was and very surprising! She was so like my mom's cousin, Bahare, who lives with her husband and son in Birjand. She was a slender, average so-so girl that had big pale eyes, and a funny smile on her lips! She was not one of northern people! It was definitely clear! She was graduated two terms ago from
I made some mistakes on purpose to check her knowledge, as I appeared I did not know the difference between "municipality and city hall", even their pronunciations, or I said instead of "on purpose", "arbitrary" and some thing like that! Her knowledge was not bad, but she had no experience, maybe little, of course it was normal, because she had just finished the university and was too young!
She did not know the differences between IELTS and TOEFL, even I thought it was her first time that was hearing of such exams and some books I suggested to work on them! But the most wonderful and enthusiastic thing was that she was very very very self confident! And still insisted on that she knew much more than me! I have not remembered it made me so curiosity to keep in touch with her and maybe be each others friends and collogues! But as I told her too "she is too proud, selfish and stone-hearted" she called me "nagged man!". Wonderful, for the first meeting, it was great, of course she is very sociable and talkative!
It was pouring, not allowing me to go sea shore, but I went. There is a building, a coffee shop, which goes forward on sea, the sea is under you! I went there and ordered hobble babble! I do not like smoking in any kind, but it was cool and with a pot of tea it was pleasant! Just I felt lonely, wished one of my friends, still be with me, Narcissi liked so mush, but I do not know if Lisa did, too. A point about using hobble babble, first use its tube's tip in your lips corner and then inhale as if the smoke gathers in the glass container, and glass counties must not be colorful, blue or black but must be clear and light! I may tell you why, but now no!
For a long time I looked at sea, stormy sea in the horizon and under me, I even translated two poems of Monzavi and I wrote a poem, too!
2
Your passionate eyes, how beautiful they are!
Where you must release your heart into the sea, is here,
For me, blue sunrise of those pale eyes,
Reminds imaginative morning of the sea
Bloomed a garden from the star of your looks,
Those lights that are in your eyes!
The mystery of a love, you're trying in vain…
To hide that is clear in your eyes!
We, both, are quiet, mush quiet, but…
In silence are talking too much, our eyes.
We killed our yesterday by a vain proud,
To day like that, but future waits for us!
A way of your kind hand's courtesy
My hands are alone in their solitude.
Let your hands know my hands` mystery…
Don't worry since love's hands are with us!
And my own poem:
The stormy sea, like my heart's solitude
Puts those heavy waves on a rock
To move a little towards his
That feeless, unkind rock
But even a stormy sea can not…
Move a rock even an inch!
That stony rock, maybe, a thousand times
The stormy sea puts his heavy waves
But even an inch he can move!
Finally storm finishes, the sea gets quiet,
But the stony rock still is there…
With no move at all!
Two points, when you are in the North, never do forget to eat Mirza Ghasemi and never do trust in ATMs in their banks! Goodnight my dear friends, especially YOU, …
Wed 17 Oct 2007
in Ramsar
Whose brand you have!? O! Quiet sky!
Which sun’s brand? O! Worn-black mother!
This is not the redness of dawn,
Whose head’s blood is it?
That drops on you, from ears to chins
Sun is golden dish, rosy, full of blood
Whose sword opened Sivash`s vessels` blooding?
Whose dead is this then?
The mixture of Lesser Bear,
Whose small coffin is this?
That carrying on a shoulder,
Until every star is an injury of love on your body,
From your love injuries,
Whose blood coming out?
A name that is like an inscription on stone of ages,
Her memory, though quiet,
When can be forgotten?
Swallowed my moon,
The wane of moon, beware!
O! caravan, the flag dropped of Sivash`s hand
In whose castle, a fire gone off? That in horizons
From the behind of flames and smokes,
Were apparent its ramparts!
Here in Ramsar it is great! Last night I arrived here! It was raining and I got wet! It has been more than 7 years I have not come here, now it is my first time coming out alone, not with my family. I was in
By the way, I decided yesterday, to come North of Iran, to feel better! I really missed sea and beautiful scene of this area! I came by a bus from Chalous road, it was one of my worst trips, all the time I felt throw-up and sleepy! I could not stand it and could not see the beautiful mountains and forest! When I arrived here, I found a house, a rural house for per night 6$,of course there is big hotels here, but I, myself prefer this placed when I am not alone, especially with my family or love! I kept sleep, and in the morning, early morning, I got up, ate Kale Pache, a food of head and limb of sheep, it is so so, not delicious not bad,
And then went and found a shore, alone, a very beautiful shore, among tall trees and sands under your feet! The weather was not raining, but it was cloudy and cool humid! I prayed not to rain until I am here, suddenly the sun peeled among gray sky and clouds, the light shone on the green sea, birds were flying over the green, wavy sea, swallows were chanting on the trees behind you, a wonderful scene, a really great and fantastic view! I beagn to worship God, it has been a short time that I have not prayed abd worshipped Him formally! But there, I felt I must do apologize Him and did that! I wished I could be here with my love, my true love! I sent her a massage to tell her “here your place is empety beside me, here, if you were, you, like me, beagan to worship god, and his beauty and mighty!” she has not answered me, yet! I wish some day in the future we can walk hand to hand here on the shore, up to our ankles in the water, under our feet, the sand going away and slipping!
I smsed Lisa two nights before to consult with her! You know, my family insists now, in my condition that I get married! I do not know! I am too alone and I need some body to love sincerely, to act simply for her, and to be loved by her sincerely, but on the on the hand I am afraid of another single-side love! Repeating of my previous painful experience! Of course, another problem is that none of the girls like to get married with a boy in my condition! With a boy that has had some bad experiences before!
Yes, I was telling that I smsed Lisa and said her these affairs, she said “do whatever you think is better, but in my idea, it is too soon to make any decision!” I said “yes, I think so! I must first find myself and then make up my condition, in both sides, in my mood and behavior, to get mush more experience, to be an experienced man, and then my financial condition, to make and provide a comfortable and reasonable life for my love! I need money, without money, even a love, a mutual love between spouses, will not last so mush! I have already experienced that! I told her very sincerely and faithful my heart’s words “yes I must find myself and then decide to begin another life, this time a successful life, with my true love! I hope and I wish I can find and reach a girl like you! You are so respectful, so cheerful, so happy, so sociable, so grace, so kind and so pretty, after all, so faithful and so understandable, a girl that knows God and worships Him sincerely, a believer of Him will never break her promises towards somebody! I wish my true love was a girl like you!” she answered very kindly and respectfully “thank you, it is your kindness towards me! And your decision is great!” I must thank you my friend to show me true way I should chose now! But I feel I got her annoyed and inconvenienced of me!
I remember Mrs. Rezaiee, my student and Lisa a classmate, a cheerful and reasonable woman, in her forties, a so confident and kind woman. Yes, almost half a year ago, when me and Zeinab broke up for the second time, she had broken her promises again! I opened my heart to her, said her every thing! She said “do not worry! Let her go and do not think about her, anymore! Continue your studies and be sure your true love will be found when it is doomed!” I told her “what if I fall in love with another girl?” I felt falling in love of somebody those days! She said “it is better do not now do any thing! First go and find yourself, then come back to her and propose her!” she suggested me to go abroad. To
I should go, wait for another time that I can find a computer! I need a lap top to have every time beside mine!
Mon 15 Oct 2007
292
In your flaming eyes that day,
A thing was calm and mutinous,
A thing, also from the kind of ash,
Also from the kind of fire
In your shinning eye pupils,
Also laughing was glazing,
Also was dagger
There was a conflict between love and hate,
In your look's distressed fire
For a moment that breath came,
Those dark clouds gone away
In that moment, your eyes, your soul's mirror,
That clear hazels, how sincerely they were!
When that old hymn, was whispering frenzy,
That day, your inflamed mourns,
Were for which fairy?
Sometimes, your eyelids pouring ashes
On your eyes` fire,
Your temporal calmness,
But, disturbed like a sleeping wind,
Also, the passion of death embodied in you,
Also the passion of living, too.
From that wonderful curtain, that was painted
With your blue and red, here and there
The flower garden of Abraham's patience,
Was Sivash`s good heart's brand
It was your soul that was released,
For… the boarders of love and death
Would reach together!
Yes, your unity was as lonely as Arash`s arm, arc and arrow
You were cyclone and wrapped at yourself
And released your body of the earth
Thrown-over cone of anger blood!
Your last ascension was happy and pleasant, too.
It was not so unpleasant, to face my mother-in-law and brothers-in-low because she was not at our company, I was relaxed, a little bit angry and worried! It was my dad insisted that we must know the reason and forced me to go there, but nothing happened. Rasoul and Madar was very sad, angry and unhappy, but Ali was calm and reasonable. They did not mention the point that already they had told about my sickness, and mostly, we went there to make them sure it was a lie she told
Rasoul and Madar began to complain, and dad and mom, too. But no thing could they do! He said "both of them are guilty and they must be responsible for our unhappiness and sadness! They both did sth childish and made all of us fun! I complain Yaser not to tell us even a word of Zeinab`s deeds and words. Even she, herself, wanted to divorce, Yaser must never do that or allow that! The right of getting divorce in
I am a little bit annoyed of Lisa! Why? She contacts with me, via sms, but when I send her sms, she does not answer, and makes me wait for a long time! Last night she herself sent a massage, but when I sent her a reply and wanted to consult with her about a thing that following I will tell you, she has not done any thing up to now that it is
They have not allowed me to leave here and go Bandar Lengeh! Mr. Moghanlou, my English teacher and my close friend, suggested a job for me, in his language institute to be manager and to teach there, too. He has a language institute in Jade Shahrak, Apadan, and his second branch also has been established for boys in
Sun 14 Oct 2007
confessions
296
What was existence, if it had not you and me?
A mountain, on which no whisper had no voice!
Raised from plains and valleys, passed mountains,
Becoming a sea, forced me to do every thing!
Satan and angles were roommate since the beginning,
In whose heart's solitude, were not found these two?
Maybe the jealousy for Eve(Havva), was the reason,
For Satan that did not bow down to
Since the death draw his arc, the doom's arrow…
On eye, back and heel had not the same mistake!
The stone released of fate's sling
Had no thing for fragility of mirrors!
The end of your suffers and mine? Don't ask! Oh…!
A thing that had no beginning, will not have any ending.
I am an intravagant boy. I do not like speak too much, especially about routine affairs! I do not speak until somebody asks me some questions or ideas or any thing to begin. I do not mean I do not like to speak with people, or to be among them, to deal with them, no! I mean simply that I like and want to speak with people and I enjoy it too much, but the problem is this: I do not know how to start! How to begin the conversation! Maybe you surprisingly ask" ok! So how do you act in your classes? Do that! You are a language teacher and exactly know how to force people to speak or how to begin a conversation!" Yes, I am and I know exactly! But It does not work many times! I mean, ahhh, with your friends or with your students it is possible, but when you want to use that with your spouse, especially all the time, it is not working! Some people, on the other hand, think this manner is not sociable and I am unsociable boy, not liking to deal with people!
We, me and Zeinab, most the time were silent when we were alone with together! She is so extravagant, on the other hand, she makes friends with people, strange people very easily and very fast! I can not do that! She is really attractive and always has a beautiful smile on her lips, which within these 10 months of engagement never have had it for me, and every body likes to deal with her, to speak with her, to be with her, and I think every body sees her, deeply fall in love with her! I am not so! No body falls in love with me, nor even like me! As I said, I do not speak until you ask a question or we can have a topic, an interesting one, to speak about. And then I speak with you and both of us will enjoy it. If you know me, you definitely know that it is you most the time started to speak with me and then I continued to talk to you!
Is it a big problem? A problem that I can not solve it? I have tried to change it and be more sociable! I am most the time silent. Just because maybe I am shy to begin a talk! So having it in you mind, a question: if you were as my spouse, what would you do? How would you act with me? You, also, keep silent and not talk with me? Or want to begin a talk to enjoy both of us?
I know that some times you may have not in good mood and it would be better to be silent , doing our business, but what about most the time? It was exactly our another big problem! She was so attractive, talkative and happy with other people, but when she was alone with me, or when we were walking on the street, she were not saying any thing, at all! Like a stranger she walked with me in a one-meter distance, not allowing me to be more closer! Even when I asked some questions of her, against my willing, almost always I began to talk, she answered with just yes and no! she did not try to continue the talk, to break the silence between us. Whenever I opposed her manners and behaviors, she quarreled with me and accused me not to be sociable and friendly at all!!! Whenever I insisted on asking more questions about her job, work, family and … she said angrily "stop asking questions! Do not ask me any questions about my family or about my job! Your questions are all the same! You do not know how to ask or how to speak! You are unsociable!" so I was forced not to speak and keep quite! May be you think how childish it was! But it was the fact and not childish any more! She did not cooperate with me at all to solve this problem! I had no right to oppose her behaviors, whenever complained, whenever I said some thing, that is usual between spouses and even you can see that between you mom and dad, but she asked me angrily: "ok! Go and begin our separation formally!" and I had to be quiet, and patient with the hope that may be she change her opinion and began to cooperate with me!
You know, the life must be mutual, in every aspect and course! We, the spouse, must do every thing with together, not forcing each other, nor threatening! But she always during these 10 months threatened me to get divorced and I always was worried and had a butterfly in my stomach with this though that "be careful! May be you do or say some thing or act in way that it might get her unhappy or angry! I remember in our second month of engagement, she got angry at me just with this excuse: "why did not you bring your dad's car to go university to take our M.A examination?" we had a quarrel and did not attend in the examination and from university went back home! It was raining and cold! I never forget that day! I started to complain her behavior towards me, and she said "ok! Come to me to talk" I got happy in my heart and told myself "thanks God! She may apologize me and we can make love with each other and forget every thing happened to day!" but how stupid I was! When I reached to office, she told me" I made a great mistake to accept your proposal! I do not love you any more, and if it continues in this way I will not like you any more, definitely!" I How painful it was! Your love, the one that you devote yourself for her, do whatever to reach her and to make her happy, watches into your eyes and with no shame tells you not loving you! How…! Then she put a paper and write there that from this time, we are not each others wife and husband and as soon as possible go and act for separation formally! She forced me to sign that paper. I signed just wanted to make her calm and then in a time later compensate it! But never had it happened again and I during this time tried hard to change her mind and tried hard to make peace, but whatever I did she was against! And I was always unhappy, worried, angry of losing her very easily! I had come to life, to join not to leave and separate! But she did want so!!! What can I do? Is anybody there to understand me and my suffers and pain? Is there?
What is your idea? If you were my spouse what would you do? Or if you were me, what would you do with her that I did not! Tell me…
