Fri 4 Jan 2008
I always think and see people who are higher than us in culture, wealth and social ranks, and always I have tried hard to reach them! I have thought they are different from us and when we reach them we feel happy and please ourselves and our lives. My daddy, but, says always “it is good some times look at those who are lower than you! Look at their way of living and how they work, and compare yourself with them, not with people higher than you! It spoils you!” Some times, I can see even in our town, there are some people that are really poor, no thing especial they have!
One of my ambitions and hopes was helping to these kinds of people, I dealt with God to help HIS people and whoever needs any help, not even materially, but with my knowledge, with teaching them whatever I know, to help them to stand on their own feet, to be independent from every body and can mange and make their futures! But instead I asked God to give me my true LOVE, to make me happy and piece beside her and whenever I feel sad and depressed, her breasts will be the only place on where I can put my head and close my eyes and relax!!! But my great God broke HIS promise and let me be in a great suffering and pain that never did I expect! Nevertheless, I can not break my promise, even if HE did! This is my nature and I can not change it. Therefore, I always try hard to help people around me, my family, my friends, my students, even strangers who contact with me randomly, to help them to make their lives and futures. Maybe my deeds fail, maybe I can not do much, but the important point is that “I try to change their lives into better condition” this is important. What do you think? Please tell me your beautiful ideas, yaserymc, my yahoo ID for chat and off messages, and yaser.saba@gmail.com, my email, for chat and your nice mails.
Yesterday I went to a man`s house, in Eslam Abad, where located at the end of a narrow alley, a very small house, with two tiny rooms, bad smelling, a store of beets in the very tiny yard… He is the one who sells boiled beet on a carter in Darvaze Ark exactly in front of the Beheshti drugstore. He is a 41-year-old kind hearted man, who I most the time buy some boiled beet. I always buy boiled beet or boiled broad bean and when I want to pay them, I pay much more than their product just to help them. This one just God has known, but He broke HIS promises so… by the way, he is sick, he has a Artrite knees and he can not stand along time on his feet to sell boiled beet, or even to push the carter. He has opened his heart to me and I promised him to do whatever I can do! I went to his house to write a letter of a request to leader`s representative in Zanjan, and at the same time, the governor and the president himself, with the very little hope of approval!
You see, in our Islamic country under the governing and control of Clergymen, who claim that their government is the representation of our holly Imam Ali (peace been upon him) we can see these people! A lot of people! Is it justice? Is it fair? How many people you know that when you pass in the street you feel shamed to even look at them, whereas, they are God`s people, too! They used to be a man of a woman like you and me, but bad fortune, bad condition of life, … made them be in this condition! Have you ever noticed an old man who sits in front of the Saderat Bank in Sadi Vasat and sells Hafez omen and practices bibliomancy for passing by people with a LOVE bird? Or have ever seen a amputated old man in Sabze Meidan who his hand and foot amputated and sells cigerattes and sleeps there in a cabin in the semi-constructed parking building? Or have you noticed an old man who always sells boiled broad beans in the corner of Sabze Meidan? Which one must I mention? I have seen a lot of people in this kind and as I told you, I always wanted to help them, to lower their sufferings, but how?! I see them and I can not do any thing so I get nervous and swear the government and clergymen, all to be responsible for this economical condition with their wrong policies and strategies! Now our NICE! President claims and boasts that I am bringing you the JUSTICE and I am the representative of ALI! GOD, GOD, GOD, what are you doing? What are you doing?!!!
I feel regret and gloomy now that I can not write any other word! Let’s go!
Thu 3 Jan 2008
These days I have some strange and odd calls that I do not know who they really are and how they could find my number and the most importantly, what they are expecting of me! They are so friendly and I guess I must be glad to get familiar with them, but my father always says “every one gets familiar with you and wants to be your friend, instead he or she wants some thing in response! No thing is free and just on friendly relations!” I do not accept his ideas, but I must be very cousins! You see, I do not like those boyfriend or girlfriend relations and of course I can not love them any more, just it will be a usual friendship, if they really intended so! Maybe you do not believe, but it is the fact and I am writing here to ask you to help me to manage these strangers!
Almost 3 weeks ago, when I was coming back Zanjan from the north, in the bus, somebody sent me a sms, a lovely one! I got surprised! I asked her “who are you? Can you introduce yourself to me?” but she said “my friend is too naughty and she sent you sms completely randomly! We do not know you any more!” I hardly believe it. But she still continued to send me smses and finally she called me! In her smse, she always asked about me and my behaviors and thoughts! I told her the truth! Then one night she called me! She said “I wanted to know who you are and of course to test that you are a boy that you clamed? You are very surprising! I mean you are completely different from others! Other boys and even girls always boast and exaggerate about themselves and I describing themselves in the beginning of every relation ship, but you are completely different and you have not boasted “I am this and that, or such and such! You even mentioned your bad points without any goodness!” I explained her “I told you truth, because I did not want and do not want to abuse your friendship, to abuse your trust on me! I do not care who you are or if you are a girl or boy! For me, you are a friend!” she liked me!!! She is 26 years old, as she said!, and she works in a hospital, I think as a nurse. She is a usual girl, but too open minded and risky and too friendly, again as she said! Then she smsed me that you are a very graceful, kind, open minded person who has a especial characters! I am not boasting, you can call her and ask her! I even told her some strange things about myself to make her neglect me! I told her that I am short and fat boy, having no hair, and I am a little bit ugly and never am I hand some! (are they true really?!!!). her name is Maryam, but she did not tell me her last name!
2 years and a half ago, when I was so depressed and sad that I wanted to do some childish acts, suicide! On the internet, some body came on line and began to chat with me! She (yes! Still she!) was a girl, 24, from South, in Khuzestan. I got speaking with her, and she told me that she was married! But she did not like her husband because he was too stubborn and too jealous! They had a son, Ahmad, 3 years old! It was really dangerous! I mean for her own life and future! She told always that she loved me!!! Without any eye contact, or without any physical relation ships! How it was possible, I do not know! I did not exaggerate or boasted on my conditions or characteristics, but she compared me with her husband and loved me! Always she sent lovely offs, or she courtesy me on the internet! Even she sent me a parcel, in it there was a notebook full of lovely sentences, poems, memories and literally pieces all about me and my love! I surprised! Most strangely, she sent me 3 photos of herself (of course all of them were graceful and she was graceful, too.). I wonder how she could find my address or how she trusted in me that sending her pictures or personal notes for me!
I saw this, so I tried to help her to control her life and love her husband and child! So I conditioned “only with the presence of your husband, I will speak with you! Only with his permission we can have relationship and so we can be each other`s friends!” she instead that “my husband is an Arab, and he is very jealous, he will not allow us to be friends!” I said “so, good bye!”. But she accepted, and her husband, Mohammad, was a nurse in a hospital in Dezfoul. He was a good man, but an ordinary and usual man, not open minded, nor kind! Too jealous and too unfriendly, unfortunately!
We got friends on phone, of course, and I tried hard to get her back to continue her studies, she just finished high school. I wanted to distract her attention form emotions and love of me to a productive activity and with the motivation I gave her, she could enter the university and build up her future an her family`s. I sent her books, 12 or 13 books, I enrolled her in the university, I sent her pictures back and advised her not to repeat this act! Not for me, but even for any body else, too. But her husband made the condition worth and worth, he cancelled all her out door activities, and even he did not allow her to call me! I did not call her any more. I wonder he was friendly with me apparently, but in fact he got jealous! And surprisingly, he did not mention his feelings!
It passed, almost 6 or 7 months and she could not contact with me. Once I was at home, at noon that her husband called me. He had found that notebook that she wrote for me and I sent her it back. He accused me of relation with his wife!!! Me? Over the internet?!!! I did not know what reaction I must show him. I just told “it is you that is ill and thinks everybody speaks with his wife, has a relation with her! It was you that with your unreasonable limitations restricted her and not allowing her to live for herself! All those she wrote, they are not for me! Not even for you! But they are her visions, her idealistic life and husband! If you are clever enough, you can use those information to make your lives, three of you better and better! If you try you can win!” but unfortunately he was not convinced, and told “I want to get divorced with her!” I told “whatever you like, do it! None of my business!” I got too angry! I did not heard any news of her or her family, until yesterday…
Yesterday noon, somebody called me! She (still she!) told that I got your number from one of my friends cell phone, to speak with you! To know you more, you are such a nice and graceful boy that I think I have fallen in love with you!!! I got tooooooooooooooooo surprised! “What? Who are you? How do you know me? Have we met each other?” she told “no! but I know you! You are a tall boy, an English expert, kind, 26 years old, …” I said “I do not have time to speak with you…” she insisted “I will call you whenever you like, but please speak with me!” I said “ok!” mostly because I got curiosity to see who she is and how she could find my number and how she knew me! I guess she must be from Khuzestan, and a relative of Mrs. Zarkoush.
And yes, I was right! She called me last night. I asked her to introduce herself, and she said that her name is Elham, and she is 20 years old! I exclaimed “20 years old?! You are too young and still these kinds of affairs are too soon for you to think or talk about! (I meant love and lovely relations). She did not want to tell me any thing about where she is from and …, but before her I began and said “you are from Khouzestan, and you are relative of Mrs. Zarkoush, a cousin! She got so shocked that for some moments she could not speak any word! Then she confirmed. I asked about her and her family. She told “Mrs. Zarkoush is ok, and her life is ok, too. Her son and her husband are good, too.” When I heard this news, I got happy, and thanked God. I told her “ did you know I am married!” she got shocked too! She said “NO! you are not married! “ I said “ but I ma engaged and now I am married!” she asked “with who?” I answered “with the one I loved!” she congratulate and apparently she got happy! I said “it is still too early and soon for you to think about love and marriage, so continue your educations and when you reached 23-24 I will introduce some good boys you can select among them your future true love!” she got so excited that I can not describe! She asked “really?! You promise?” I said “yes, why not! And I will introduce you to my wife and you can chat with each other and me, too.” She said “ok” and we said good bye.
What must I do? What could I do? Of course she is too young and I never allow myself to hurt some body`s feelings and break their hearts! Of course it is impossible to fall in love with some body that you have not seen her or him before! LOVE comes from relation and contact! When I say I have fallen in love with Lisa, I mean that I saw her, I know her, I even for a relatively long time inspected her and her behaviors and thoughts, I tested her, and then I loved her! If you want some body to love you, you must allow her or him to have this chance, to contact with you, to have relation with you, (I do not meant to be boy friend or girlfriend! I hate these western concepts! You must understand what I mean!)
There are some 2 or 3 other strangers of these kinds that now I got tired and next time maybe I speak about them.
Tue 1 Jan 2008
Nights, nights, nights! My big problem is nights and dreams I see during them, causing me wake up several times during a night every 3 hours! In these 3 months I have dreamed almost every night and every time SHE is there, some times happy and laughing, some times crying and sad, some times dressed formally, some times has a veil on her body. Mostly SHE comes to me back, and some times we kiss each other. Last night I dreamed HER, and SHE was happy, we went to their house, Rasoul was there, mother was there, too; he said “both of you can undo that paper, you can say that you want to cancel divorcing, and want to get back.” SHE was laughing, happy, and I thought SHE is going to do that, so I said “no! I can not do that, unless SHE, HERSELF, regrets HER past actions, and wants me from HER heart`s bottom.” They insisted, but I refused, unless my condition meets. And I woke up!
You see! This is the frequent happening in my life of these 3 months! In the daytime, they are memories that suffer me! Memories of her beauty, memories of her smiling, and memories of those a few times we had had together and pleased each other. I wish I had not come Zanjan. There, almost during the day, I did not suffer of memories, at least!
In my dreams, some times I see Lisa, but always she is neutral, not showing any feelings or even any words she says! This makes me feel missing her and at the same time feeling guilty! You know the only cure and treatment for a LOVE suffering and pain of lose, is an other LOVE, pure and true LOVE who occupies the previous ones place in your heart and lets you not think about the previous and painful one! But I think it is not happening to me! I mean Lisa, too, like other girls behaves with me! I mean since she knew my feelings and love towards her, she has left me, and she has stopped sending of messages, or greeting about me! I never believe she is like others, I never expect she behaves like this! Why? What is my sin? Just expressing love towards her sincerely?! She always boasted “I always get happy when somebody likes or loves me, I always respect those feelings and never allow myself to hurt them…!” but in fact she is like others and these are just words not deeds! I am so sorry! May be I am disgusting, may be I am unusual, may be I am strange and may be I am abnormal! But what the fact is I feel too guilty and suffering that I can not express!!! Just once, I mean, just once more I am going to express my love towards Lisa, and in that occasion when it is not so far, I will make my mind about her! Just one chance not more I will give her to tell her true feelings in her heart towards me! In that occasion, which I very important for her, too, I will test her capacity, her thinking, her feelings, behaviors, her love and her friendship towards me, and that will allow me to make up my mind about loving her and proposing her, or like others abandoning her! I do not want to impose myself to her. I hope she deserves my love, I hope so and want her from my heart`s bottom, but she must allow that!
Mon 31 Dec 2007
Yesterday we went Tehran to see my aunt and uncle, who are going to pilgrim to Karbal, Iraq at the end of this month. It was Ghadir Eve, our Eve!!!! To be frank, I am not satisfied to be one of Seyeds` families because in our family I just have seen proud, selfish, unsociable and unfriendly people who just see and consider themselves above and higher than all, nothing really they have, however!
Unfortunately, we Seyeds must be the best of Ommat, the whole nation, but no! I have not seen anything distinguishable between us and others! They consider, people, that because the blood of our holly prophet, Mohammed (peace been upon him) is flowing in our vessels, so we are respectful and deserve others respect, not because of ourselves, not because of our talents and personality, but just because of our fathers! I wonder if it is reasonable! I myself can not digest this concept and behavior! And of course I have seen our families` behaviors towards others, full of unrespect, selfishness and proud towards others which there is no difference between them and us! I oppose against this behavior and I am not satisfied to be one of them! I prefer to be a usual man, but respect and like others, to unseratand others, to follow humanity principles not religious ones full of discrimination!
We went Parinaz`s house to see them, too. She is my mother’s cousin, and of course she is very intelligent and she was graduated from Sanati Sharif university, with the highest score! She is M.S in engineer and works for electricity power company. Her husaband is agriculture engineer and is from Babolshahr in the north, and of course a very good boy, too. She is pregnant and still she works! She is very hard working girl, stands on her own feet. Her father, my mother`s uncle is very rich, thanks God, but she has never asked any thing of him. He himself occasionally gave something to her.
My mother`s uncle is a very nice man, a great and such a polite man that everyone knows him, respects him. He is from Zanjan, but now he lives and works in Shahroud, a very nice town, too. He used to be a literature teacher, now he is retired, and at the same time he has worked as a businessman, and has his own business. He has no thing at the beginning, but now he has a lot of properties and wealth and even half of Shahroud is his; he has houses in Tehran and Karaj and everybody confesses that he is a very successful man. He is generous and thoughtful but reasonable.
Mahnaz, his 23-year-old girl is a very nice, polite, and hardworking girl, too. She is a student of English translation in Garmsar. She was there, with his father. She is a very calm and usual girl, and a little bit shy. She and I always get along well, and every time, we go there, or they come here, she and I spend most the time with each other, speaking English, writing or reading, some times translating. I asked her to join my new team of translation, and she accepted, and from now we can work with together on the net.
Farzad called me two days ago, and when he knew I am here, he got surprised and invited me to go to his office in Shohada street, Kourosh building. He and his workmate rented an office there to organize their works and deal with their usual affairs. I went there with a packet of chocolate, and he got really happy. There was so messy, because it had not been so long time that they moved there. They rented there for 170000 tomans per month with 2000000 rental sum. It is ok! He said just he has a problem, that is “he fell in love with a girl”! I do not know why everybody of my friends and students who has a love problem, comes to me and speaks with me! I asked him to explain more, he said that he loves her too much and she loves him too, but he is afraid of that! I told “come on! It is not the problem! You are so lucky, she loves you, too! How happy a boy should be when his love loves him too!” he said “I am afraid because she has an other candidates.” I told “take it easy, and let what is going to happen, it will happen! Do not worry, if she loves you, she will wait for you, if not, it is better she leaves you, now. It is reasonable, you must wait until your condition gets better and you can manage to control a life and then marry with her.” Apparently he agreed.
Rahmat, my friend, that has had a problem like mine, one-side love as I told you before that he loved a girl for more than 2 years but she did not respond him any more, and I suggested to take easy and to ask an other girl that she, herself, came to him and expressed love towards him to get marry. He called me yesterday, and we talked more than half an hour. He told that “we went her house, my aunt and I, to propose her, and they after 10 days told that our answer is NO. I accepted and took it easy, but I wanted to be sure and went to girl`s work place to talk to her, she loves me, and wants me, but the problem is my work. They do not like me to be a police officer! I said no matter, if the problem is this, I will change it! It passed until her mother came to me and talked to me and they said again we should go there, and we went, but again they said NO!!! I wonder why?! The girl said ok, her mother herself allowed us to go there, again but still they said NO! I suggested “take it easy, and do not even contact with them any more! They thought what happened! Let them go and find another girl, much better than her! Do not insist on that, any more! Do not repeat your previous experiences, and do not worry any more! They are in great mistake, they will find it out, but that time, it would be so late! He accepted my idea!
I explained what happened between me and Mina. Mina was too joules , unfortunately, opposite of her apparent condition and her friendly and nice face and behavior, which completely shocked me that you girls are such strange and unexpectable creature that no one can understand what in your minds and heats is! She advised me “if you want to express you love towards a girl and want to get to influence her and get marry with her, it is better to clean and delete all other girls and women`s phone numbers of your cell phone and from your mind!” I said “so, what about my workmates? About my students and about my friends? I will not right to like or even love others just because you do not want so?!!” It passed and I listened to her advice and cleaned just her own number, until 4 or 5 days ago, when I came out of Zabansar, she smsed me “hands up! I saw you!” I got surprised! She made an advice which she, herself had not listened to! I replied “ Who are you?” she replied “you have not known or you are not going to know me?” I said “I guess you are Mina… I just listened to your advice and cleaned your number as you asked me! You see, it is impossible! You must change your mind and change your behavior so much that until you can have a good life in the future, unless no thing will happened in your life! She did not respond any more! How childish thought she was, unfortunately! Most of girls have no capacity to these kinds of affairs and when somebody respects them, they get proud, selfish and stubborn that they even can not see more than their noses! Believe me, I am right and I hate these kinds of girls. Regretfully 98 percentage are such!
You see I must be wonder that why everybody has a love problem comes to me! It seems I have got a counselor! A family counselor!
